Chicken Jack
by Candybree
Summary: Like the title says, Jack is a chicken. It is a very cracky fic. rated for safety.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I have had this in my story folder for about a year but I kept forgetting about it. Apparently the idea came from talking about French maid outfits.

* * *

Ianto walked into the hub carrying a live chicken and everyone stared at him.

"Ianto, why are you bringing a chicken into the hub? Are we having a special dinner?" Owen asked. Ianto looked at him for a second before responding.

"It's Jack."

"Jack wanted a chicken for dinner?" Owen asked "Do you take dinner requests or is it just for Jack?"

"No, Jack is the chicken" Ianto told him

"You named the chicken Jack?" Owen asked laughing

"No. Jack is the chicken. The chicken is Jack." Ianto said, getting a little annoyed now.

"....so we're eating Jack then. Did you two have a fight or something?"

"That is wrong in so many ways Owen!" Tosh complained

"...Goodbye Owen." was all Ianto said as he walked up to Jack's office.

The girls stared at Owen.

"Do you still not get it Owen?" Gwen asked.

"Get Wha...Oh God! Jack's been turned into a chicken!"

*****

"If you EVER do something that stupid again you will be on decaf for the rest of my life!" Ianto was scolding the chicken when Tosh opened the door to Jack's office.

"You realize he is a chicken right Ianto?" she said carefully

"Oh he understands me, I saw the look of horror on his little chicken face when I told him he wasn't getting sex for a week." Ianto told her, still glaring at the chicken. "Although since it is a hen and not a rooster maybe I should say her face."

"Is there anything I can help you with or get you?" Tosh asked

"No I'm fine. Thanks though." Ianto replied.

"Are you sure that that chicken is Jack though, from what you said there were quite a few there."

"Oh it's definitely Jack." Ianto told her. "He's tried to stick his wing down my trousers three times already."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** This was supposed to be a one shot but then people asked for more and my mind just wouldn't let it go. So instead of doing my lab report I wrote. This is the before and after of Jack being a chicken. Italics are flashback.

**Warning:** Minor swearing

* * *

Ianto sighed and buried his face in his hands, he lifted his head slightly when he felt a wing rest on his knee and smiled tiredly at his boss and lover.

"I have half a mind to not give you your wrist strap back if...no, _when_ we get you back to being a human. You playing with it just seems to cause problems.

*****

"_Jack, we are in the middle of a field full of chickens that are pecking at an alien device. Shouldn't we be doing something about it?" Ianto asked, stepping carefully and trying to avoid the chickens._

"_Nah, that device is completely harmle..."_

_Jack cut off suddenly and Ianto spun around to see what was wrong but all he could find was a pile of Jack's clothes, no Jack._

"_Jack?" Ianto called, making his way carefully to the pile of clothing. "Jack, this is no time for naked hide and seek!"_

_Ianto picked up his coat and a chicken tumbled out. It squawked in surprise when it hit the ground and sat staring at Ianto, stunned, before it ruffled its feathers and ran off, getting lost in a sea of other chickens._

_Ianto looked from Jack's greatcoat to where the chicken ran off and back to Jack's greatcoat in shock._

"_Oh shit." Ianto moaned. "Jack's a chicken"_

*****

Ianto woke up and cuddled into the warm weight behind him, relaxing and nearly falling back to sleep before his eyes snapped open in panic.

There was someone else in the bed with him.

Ianto struggled to get out of the covers until a heavy, strong, familiar arm fell across his waist and pulled him back into the familiar curve of Jack's body.

"Shhh." Jack's voice floated out of the darkness. "It's just me Yan."

"Jack?" Ianto asked, sighing in relief when he felt familiar lips press against the back of his neck. "Are you okay? You were a chicken for so long. I thought I was never going to get you back Jack."

"I'm sorry." Jack murmured, pulling Ianto closer. "I'm fine. Promise."

"What turned you back?" Ianto asked. "So you know in case it happens again."

"I turned back myself." Jack told him. "I figured it would be easier to deal with a week long sex ban as a chicken, where my biggest worry was when the next meal was coming, than as a human where I would have been thinking about it constantly."

"You _chose_ to change back? You had the choice this whole time?" Ianto asked, body tensing.

"I was stuck as a chicken for the first 24 hours or so but after that it was pretty much my choice."

Ianto shoved away from Jack and rolled off the bed.

"I have been worrying myself to death that you were going to be stuck a chicken for the rest of your life and you were _choosing_ to stay a chicken because it would be _easier_ to deal with the sex ban." Ianto glowered down at Jack, taking pleasure in the way he flinched slightly. "Well I hope you enjoyed being a chicken Jack because it was a pointless exercise. The sex ban starts now and it is two weeks."

Ianto turned away and angrily climbed the ladder out of Jack's bunker while Jack stared after him speechless.


End file.
